As if EVERYTHING Else Isn't Enough

This post is probably going to have WAY too much information. But I'm pissed. I am pissed that after having to go through this hell of an emotional roller coaster, 2 and a half weeks later I am STILL bleeding. As if losing my baby wasn't enough...As if the nightly dreams of babies and pregnancy and miscarriages aren't enough...As if breaking down in tears every time I see a pregnant lady or a newborn in person or online isn't enough...I STILL DREAD GOING TO THE BATHROOM BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MY BODY IS STILL FREAKING RIDDING ITSELF OF WHATEVER THE HECK IT THINKS IT NEEDS TO RID!!! I thought I was FINALLY done with it. After almost 24 hours of no bleeding, I thought it was over. Being completely honest, more than a few not kind words were shouted at God this last bathroom trip when I discovered the bleeding came back with a vengeance. Urrrgghhh. I'm just ready to start over. Ready to try again. And I can't do that as long as this is happening! I feel like women get the short end of the stick with an awful lot of stuff from periods to labor and all that. Why can't I just have this be over? Why do we have to go thru this? I promise to never complain about a period or aches and pains of future pregnancies...I just want this constant reminder to go away. Oh, and these hormones that make me feel like a psycho could chill out too.

Absolutely nothing insightful or positive in this post. Just venting. I'm feeling very broken and angry today instead of broken and grieving. I feel like people are probably sick of seeing me whine about this....but oh well. I'm sick of going thru this and yet I have to deal with it.

Feeling Like a Mother

I feel like a mom. That sounds so weird. I just do though. I feel like there should be a little baby in my arms or sleeping in the next room. But there isn't. And my heart just feels a little empty. Maybe it's not so much that my heart feels empty as much as my arms do. I think I AM a mother because I DID hold a baby in me and I will ALWAYS hold that baby in my heart.

I am really trying not to be impatient. Really trying to trust God. I have so much faith that He is going to fill my empty arms with a baby...but my impatient self wants that NOW.

All I ever wanted was to be pregnant and have a baby and be a mommy. Now a days, I would like to skip the pregnant part and just have that baby to hold. I'm scared to death of another loss...especially 2 or more losses in a row.

Just being real with you all. Had some dreams last night that I think really upset me (I can't even remember them...I just know they were sad and about babies) so I am sure that is why I'm kind of in a funk today. I know Jesus is faithful and I know He is holding Joe and I close. I think Satan is trying to do everything he can to shake me and make me doubt God.

I feel like the above was a huge cluster...but still, a cluster of my thoughts :)

Moving Forward

Had a follow up ultrasound today. Very, very thankful that my body has taken care of everything on it's own and a D&C will not be necessary. Phew. I was really nervous. Especially after watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and in it, this girl dies after having a miscarriage and not everything was removed so she got an infection. Apparently, that is super unrealistic, but it still freaked me the heck out.

There were lots of pregnant women at the doctor's office...that made me sad. You could see in my uterus where the sack once was...and that made me sad. Really just being there in general made me sad. I mean, whenever you imagine being in the OB's office and getting the ultrasound done and all that, you don't really think about being there for a BAD reason. It's supposed to be happy, ya know? Everything about pregnancy and babies makes my heart (and I swear, my ovaries too) hurt. If I could just NOT see any baby bumps or children under the age of 5, that would be GREAT. At least for a little while.

This has been the slowest week of my entire life. I have thought that many times before, but I mean it now more than ever. Time has just stood still since last Thursday night. I have been overwhelmed by the support and love we have gotten from our friends and family and even people we don't know. I have been surprised at some rude and inconsiderate comments about miscarriages. I have grown closer to both God and Joe and am so thankful for that. It's just been a long, emotional, crazy, sad, and weird week.

We have received dozens and dozens of texts and messages and calls from our loved ones to show their support. We are so thankful for every single one of you. I'd like to make a shout out to a couple people who have gone above and beyond to show their support to Joe and I. Mom, Dad, Alyssa, Aunt Lisa, Becky, Emily, Chelsea, Rachel, and Jessica. Like I said, we have had SO many people be such a blessing to us with their thoughts and prayers...I just wanted to acknowledge the above people for checking up on us every day or constantly trying to build us up or just be a shoulder to cry on.

As the title of this post says, we are moving forward. We obviously are still quite heartbroken at the loss of our baby, but we are grieving and growing and moving forward in the best way we possibly can. I don't think I have talked to God more or felt closer to my husband than I have in the past week. I've read so many stories about people who have gone thru pregnancy or infant loss and they blamed God or it tore their marriage apart...and I don't judge anyone for anything while going thru this experience...but I'm glad that Joe and I have been able to use it in a way to grow us together and closer to our Heavenly Father. I have actually been surprised that I never blamed God for taking away our baby...in the past I have used Him as quite the punching bag for when things go wrong. But I have found myself thanking God for loving my baby and for giving her a home in Heaven. There was obviously something not right with our little one...and He knew that. He knew that Heaven would be a much more suitable home, and I am thankful for that.

We actually talked a little more today about trying again and made a plan. And a plan B. And a plan C. We know that things don't always go according to plan, so we decided to prepare for any situation...although, God has a way of making a way for plan D and in that case, it will all just be a surprise. One way or the other, we know we are going to have a baby to hold someday, and we couldn't be more excited for that. Nothing will ever change, however, that our little angel baby made us a mommy and a daddy first.

A Sudden Turn of Events

This blog was SUPPOSED to be all about my pregnancy. Unfortunately, the evening after my last post, my body began the painful (physically and emotionally) process of miscarrying our baby. I had been cramping a little and scheduled an ultrasound for Friday morning with my aunt just for peace of mind. By late Thursday night, however, I was bleeding pretty heavily. My best friend, Emily, was there with me until Joe could come home from work (after realizing how seriously upset I was and how BAD it was, he was able to come home early). I sobbed uncontrollably on the floor in the living room and he did his best to comfort me. We ended our evening with prayer, Jack in the Box, and a funny movie to try and take our minds off everything.

The next morning we got up early and went to the doctor's office. We both looked like we had been hit by a dump truck...I hadn't even bothered to put makeup on and I NEVER leave the house without makeup. Anyway, this was NOT how we had imagined our first time on the ultrasound table. Since I wasn't that far along, we had to do an internal ultrasound...which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We could see the sack. The devastating part was that it was at the opposite end of where it was supposed to be because my body had already started pushing it out.

I think I was in shock because I didn't cry right away. I was able to withhold the tears until we were out of the office but then the tears wouldn't stop, and didn't stop for pretty much the rest of the day. The first thing I did was call my mom. It really sucked that our parents had to find out they were going to be grandparents with a phone call saying we were miscarrying. As previously stated in my other blog posts, we were planning on the big reveal being on Mother's Day. We were so excited.

My family has been unbelievably supportive these last few days, as have his family and many of our other friends and family members. I will never understand why miscarriages have been such a taboo subject. Either way, I am not one to grieve silently and I don't think that is a bad thing. I made a Facebook status asking for prayers, and almost immediately we were flooded with so much love and support. At first I was worried that people would think I was just looking for attention...but then decided I didn't give a crap what people thought. And for the most part, everyone has been awesome and very understanding.

Having Joe with me through all this has made all the difference though. I seriously don't know what I would do without him. One of the things I have always loved so much about him is his sweet and sensitive heart, and have appreciated so much being able to shed tears together. He was SO excited about becoming a daddy. He would always put his hands on my belly and talk to the baby and pray over the baby...it was so sweet. He's going to be an incredible father. Our children are going to grow up with an incredible godly, kind-hearted, and fun spirited dad who loves them unconditionally. I think that is pretty darn awesome.

The pain we have felt over the last few days have been agonizing. Who would have thought that after just a few weeks of existence, this little baby would make such a huge impact on our lives? Those few weeks were some of the happiest and most joyful ever. Even though in our lifetime we will never be able to hold our baby, see their first steps, wipe away their tears or see them on their wedding day; in our hearts and in our dreams, we have seen those things a thousand times. Every time I close my eyes, I try to picture what our little one would look like. Would she have blonde hair like daddy did when he was little? Would she have hazel eyes like mommy? Would she love to play dress-up and barbies or prefer baseball and wrestling? None of those things really matter...we would love her regardless; but, it's bittersweet to think about all of these "what if's". I find so much comfort knowing our sweet angel is in the arms of Jesus right now, even as I type this. She never knew the pain of this world-only His amazing, loving embrace.

I have had a couple people say to me "I'm glad you are doing better". My response is a nod and a smile. Really, inside, I'm still deeply grieving and probably will be for a while. We've decided that sitting and moping is NOT what we should do, nor is that healthy. Jesus has done a real good job at comforting us these last couple days and I know He will continue to do so. He is going to help give us the motivation to get up every day and live our lives. What an amazing God.

I'm unsure as to what the future holds...for both this blog and our lives. We are planning on trying again- sooner rather than later. I still want to keep this blog up and going to document the ups and downs of grieving the loss of our baby, trying to get pregnant again, hopefully going thru pregnancy soon, and finally having a baby in our arms.

If you are still reading this, I think you are a rock star. Thank you for your support and love...you truly do not know how much it means to me.

Much love <3

Katie

It's All in God's Hands

SO true. I have literally driven myself CRAZY the last few days with worry. It needs to stop though. I won't even say it's stressing me out...because I don't think it is. That probably doesn't make sense. I just think all the time about what if something goes wrong? What if we have a miscarriage? Again, not stressed. I just think about this too much and spend too much time worrying.

Joe and I went and saw Heaven is for Real on Saturday. It was amaaazing (take Kleenex tho...I cried thru the WHOLE thing and I'm not even a big crier). It kind of made me feel better about all of this (spoiler alert) because in it, this little boy sees his sister who died in the womb in Heaven. I've always believed that babies who die go to Heaven, but seeing it like that and in that moment, it made me feel really at peace.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and prayed for what felt like a long time. I put my hand on my belly and just prayed for the safety and development of our little baby. Joe doesn't seem to be too worried so I'm hoping some of his calmness rubs off on me :P

My aunt (who is the ultrasound tech at the OB/Gyn I go to) said I need to quit doing so much research on what could go wrong and enjoy this time. She said some things are out of our hands and this is one of those.

Anyway. Still very few people know. I told my brother and my sister (hopefully she can keep it quiet until Mothers day when we tell the rest of our families) and a couple of our friends.

Tomorrow I fly to Vegas for work. This is going to be a VERY uneventful Vegas trip...which is a GOOD thing :P

We're Knocked Up!

Yeah so that ^^^ happened over the last couple days. Actually, those are just the ones I took this morning. I've taken more. I just wanted to be sure, ya know?! I figure, one test may be wrong, but like 4 or so? No way. Last night I tossed and turned until 6am rolled around and I could hardly stand waiting any longer! I jumped outa bed and took the prego tests. If I was a more patient person, I would have waited a few more days to test...but alas, I am not. Again tho, 4 tests aren't going to be wrong, right?

I told the hubby yesterday after taking one positive test. I got him a shirt that says "Man Behind the Bump" (actually, I got the shirt a couple weeks ago just in case hehe) so I handed him that and the positive test and we both cried and we hugged and we started dreaming about our little one. My husband, I'm pretty sure, is going to call him/her "JK" until we find out if we are having a boy or a girl. You get it? Joe...and Katie....JK?

Anyway, I've told a couple people. Our best friends in Chicago, Kyle and Elyse, were the first to know. They are about 10 weeks pregnant. How flippin' awesome is it that we can be prego buddies together? We are waiting until Mother's Day to do the big reveal to our parents :) I'm leaving for Vegas for work in a couple days...and that's the soonest we can get everyone together. When I say I'm excited, I just say "excited" because there is really no word that can truly decide how I feel about the big reveal! They are going to be ECSTATIC! :D

I am bound and determined to be as healthy and stay as fit as I possibly can throughout my pregnancy. It's totally possible. I look at all the work I've done to LOSE weight (over 55 pounds!) and I'm not going to let the "well, I'm pregnant" excuse become an issue. The plan is to stick with my paleo diet and add in some dairy. We shall see how it goes!

I'm going to do this question thing I found on another blog. It's probably going to be pretty boring and uneventful for a while...but still...I'm so excited!!! Seriously, this is all such a dream come true. I love this baby so much and I just found out about her/him! This child is going to be so loved. We are so, so ready for this chapter in our lives and are just so happy and...EXCITED!!! :D

How far along: Just over 4 weeks

Total weight gain: I'm at my lowest weight I've been at since I was 17. Guess that has to start changing. Going to be weird to switch from my "lose weight" mindset to a healthy "gain weight" mindset. It will be SO worth it tho.

Maternity clothes: None yet. I probably wont need them for a while.

Stretch Marks: I mean, I already had them on my stomach and thighs from all the weight I've lost. So nothing new. Yet.

Symptoms: I started getting cramps and lower back aches over the last few days. I kinda chalked it up to PMS. Did some research tho and a LOT of women experience cramping early in pregnancy due to implantation. Also got some NASTY cold sores in my mouth...I've never had a cold sore in my life! Apparently, again, it's an early sign of hormone changes. The cold sores are what made me decide to test early.

Food Cravings: None yet. Still eating mostly paleo

Anything making you queasy or sick? Nope

Sleep: Sleep is okay. Last night I was too anxious about taking more tests tho and literally got maybe 4 hours of sleep. Bedtime tonight cannot come soon enough.

Best moment this week: Obviously, finding out I'm pregnant! Also sharing the big news with my wonderful husband <3  

Miss anything? Really not doing anything differently. I will miss tuna tho. One thing I will NOT miss is cleaning the kitty litter! :P

Movement: We have QUITE some time before that comes around

Wedding Rings on or off? On. Actually, I can fit it on all my fingers...including my thumb :P

Mood: I'm on cloud 9. I don't think I could be moody even if I wanted to

Looking forward to most: Telling our parents in a little over 2 weeks.