A Sudden Turn of Events

This blog was SUPPOSED to be all about my pregnancy. Unfortunately, the evening after my last post, my body began the painful (physically and emotionally) process of miscarrying our baby. I had been cramping a little and scheduled an ultrasound for Friday morning with my aunt just for peace of mind. By late Thursday night, however, I was bleeding pretty heavily. My best friend, Emily, was there with me until Joe could come home from work (after realizing how seriously upset I was and how BAD it was, he was able to come home early). I sobbed uncontrollably on the floor in the living room and he did his best to comfort me. We ended our evening with prayer, Jack in the Box, and a funny movie to try and take our minds off everything.

The next morning we got up early and went to the doctor's office. We both looked like we had been hit by a dump truck...I hadn't even bothered to put makeup on and I NEVER leave the house without makeup. Anyway, this was NOT how we had imagined our first time on the ultrasound table. Since I wasn't that far along, we had to do an internal ultrasound...which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We could see the sack. The devastating part was that it was at the opposite end of where it was supposed to be because my body had already started pushing it out.

I think I was in shock because I didn't cry right away. I was able to withhold the tears until we were out of the office but then the tears wouldn't stop, and didn't stop for pretty much the rest of the day. The first thing I did was call my mom. It really sucked that our parents had to find out they were going to be grandparents with a phone call saying we were miscarrying. As previously stated in my other blog posts, we were planning on the big reveal being on Mother's Day. We were so excited.

My family has been unbelievably supportive these last few days, as have his family and many of our other friends and family members. I will never understand why miscarriages have been such a taboo subject. Either way, I am not one to grieve silently and I don't think that is a bad thing. I made a Facebook status asking for prayers, and almost immediately we were flooded with so much love and support. At first I was worried that people would think I was just looking for attention...but then decided I didn't give a crap what people thought. And for the most part, everyone has been awesome and very understanding.

Having Joe with me through all this has made all the difference though. I seriously don't know what I would do without him. One of the things I have always loved so much about him is his sweet and sensitive heart, and have appreciated so much being able to shed tears together. He was SO excited about becoming a daddy. He would always put his hands on my belly and talk to the baby and pray over the baby...it was so sweet. He's going to be an incredible father. Our children are going to grow up with an incredible godly, kind-hearted, and fun spirited dad who loves them unconditionally. I think that is pretty darn awesome.

The pain we have felt over the last few days have been agonizing. Who would have thought that after just a few weeks of existence, this little baby would make such a huge impact on our lives? Those few weeks were some of the happiest and most joyful ever. Even though in our lifetime we will never be able to hold our baby, see their first steps, wipe away their tears or see them on their wedding day; in our hearts and in our dreams, we have seen those things a thousand times. Every time I close my eyes, I try to picture what our little one would look like. Would she have blonde hair like daddy did when he was little? Would she have hazel eyes like mommy? Would she love to play dress-up and barbies or prefer baseball and wrestling? None of those things really matter...we would love her regardless; but, it's bittersweet to think about all of these "what if's". I find so much comfort knowing our sweet angel is in the arms of Jesus right now, even as I type this. She never knew the pain of this world-only His amazing, loving embrace.

I have had a couple people say to me "I'm glad you are doing better". My response is a nod and a smile. Really, inside, I'm still deeply grieving and probably will be for a while. We've decided that sitting and moping is NOT what we should do, nor is that healthy. Jesus has done a real good job at comforting us these last couple days and I know He will continue to do so. He is going to help give us the motivation to get up every day and live our lives. What an amazing God.

I'm unsure as to what the future holds...for both this blog and our lives. We are planning on trying again- sooner rather than later. I still want to keep this blog up and going to document the ups and downs of grieving the loss of our baby, trying to get pregnant again, hopefully going thru pregnancy soon, and finally having a baby in our arms.

If you are still reading this, I think you are a rock star. Thank you for your support and love...you truly do not know how much it means to me.

Much love <3

Katie