What Constitutes a REAL Loss?

Why is it that we live in a world where seeing is believing? We believe in wind even tho we don't see it. We believe in happiness, sorrow, excitement, etc even tho you can't physically see it or touch it. Because you can feel it inside you? You just know it is there?

I feel Jesus all around me-every day. I know He is there.

I felt my babies. I knew they were there,

Maybe I didn't physically feel their kicks or physically have them in my arms, but I felt them. In my heart, in every moment I thought I was going to lose my stomach in the trash can. With every inch of my body I felt them.

For the most part, people speak of miscarriages like they would if you had an illness. At best, a dream you didn't achieve. I totally get it, guys, so please spare me the speech. People don't understand unless they themselves have been thru it. But what I wish people really got, is that an early pregnancy loss is just the same as any other loss.

No, there is no physical body to bury. But could you not see that in a way, that could be worse?

My love for my babies began growing long before my positive pregnancy tests. If you had asked 10 year old Katie or 16 year old Katie what she wanted to be when she grew up, the answer would have been the same. A mom. My heart aches for all the other women out there with the same stories. A mother's heart begins before you know there is a baby there.

And then it is there. And then...it's not. Your dream is, quite literally, flushed down the toilet. You feel like a huge chunk of your heart goes with it. Before my little angels, I didn't know that type of love existed. I could feel it from the top of my head all the way down to my toes. It was overwhelming but I embraced every second of it. This was what I was made for. I was made to be a mommy to these babies.

The pain of knowing I will never be able to hold my baby here on this earth is by far the worst pain I have ever felt. The physical pain of my babies literally being ripped from me made it even worse. And having to say goodbye before you really get to say hello is heart wrenching.

Sometimes I wish there was a body to bury because my babies deserved a better burial than being flushed down a toilet. These precious, precious little lives deserved more than to be washed away with the rest of every day waste.

My first miscarriage, I received one sweet card from people I didn't even know that well. There are simply no words to describe how much that meant to me. Even tho dozens of people texted or messaged me to tell me they were sorry, this simple act of kindness meant more to me than I can explain. It takes 1 minute to type up a quick "sorry" message, but the fact that these people took time out of their day to hand write a card and with notes of encouragement and send it to me was different. Please know, I am in no way trying to get sympathy or pitty and I'm incredibly thankful for all the support I have gotten. I just want people to get it.

Why is it that we jump on the meal trains or send cards or flowers for people who have surgeries or other more "real" losses but not for women who's babies were born into heaven?

Are our babies not real losses? What constitutes a real loss? What constitutes a real life lost?

When I found out about our second pregnancy, one person I excitedly told responded with "Well, I hope you learned your lesson the first time and that you keep your big mouth shut this time and don't tell so many people just in case."

Well let me tell you, ma'am. These babies' lives-no matter how long or short-are worth celebrating and being excited about.

And they are also worth more than the "hush hush" awkward responses when their lives end.

I was really touched by the new OB I made an appointment with only hours before I started miscarrying our second baby. He hugged me and said "I am so, so sorry for your loss" to which I responded with "It is what it is...". He shook his head and said "No. No. This sucks. You don't have to be tough. This is a real loss and people don't get it but they should."

So many people mean well and I know that. But is "Oh no, I'm so sorry. My friend had a miscarriage but she was 16 weeks" supposed to make us moms of early pregnancy loss feel better because thank goodness we aren't THAT far along? Is our loss any less?

Why is it that people who have experienced HUGE losses in their lives have been some of the people who have validated and encouraged me the most? I have a couple dear friends who have lost HUSBANDS that have given me the most support. I start to feel like a fool for being so heartbroken and for hurting so bad when there are people out there who have had REAL losses. I start to fall into the world's view of early pregnancy loss. But these women have been the first to tell me that my losses are real and big.

A thousand times we have imagined what our babies would look like. A thousand times we have thought about our first moments with these babies. A thousand times we have imagined their first steps, their first "I love you, mommy", their smile. A thousand times I have closed my eyes and held my miscarriage teddy-bear close to my heart and imagined that it was our baby.

I may be more vocal about it, but I know it in my heart that other mothers and fathers of angels feel the exact same way.

If nothing else positive comes out of all of this, I am incredibly thankful that I will be able to relate to other women going thru the same thing. I know that their loss is just that-a loss and a HUGE one at that.

I will end with this: You may not get it-and that's okay. You don't have to. Be glad that you do not know the pain of losing a child in the womb. But you don't have to get it to treat this loss as a REAL, TRUE, PAINFUL loss.

To My Sweet Angel Babies

Dear Pia and Spud,

There are simply no words to describe the pain that is knowing that as long as I am here on this earth, I cannot have you. From the moment your daddy and I knew you both were there, we loved you deeply. The love that I felt for you is a different love than I had ever felt before and one I didn't even know was possible. If I could have given my life in place of yours I would have done so in a heart beat. I ache because I selfishly want you here, with me and your daddy, but I know you are in a place that is SO much better. To think that Jesus will be the one raising you is bittersweet. Again, selfishly, I want you in MY arms but you have the Creator of the universe holding you and that is pretty amazing. He has a love for you that is bigger and better than even the love I have for you! If you cannot be here with us, I find so much peace knowing that at this moment you are in the arms of Jesus and I just cannot wait till the day we will be together again. Because the day will come, sweet babies, that we will be together and I promise you I will hold you so close to make up for the time we have to be apart. I cannot wait to see your faces. I cannot wait to run my fingers thru your hair as I stare into your eyes and kiss your cheeks. My heart is so heavy because it seems like it will be forever until that day comes. I wanted so badly to have you with us now. Jesus has a plan though, my sweet babies, and He has proven time and time again that He wants the best for all of us, so I will trust him.

I just love you so much. So much that my heart can hardly stand it. Please, please know that.

Love Forever and Ever,

Your Mommy

Knocked Up Take 2!

These last several days have seriously been incredible. We CONFIRMED on Thursday that we were pregnant and nausea has been in full swing pretty much since that day. I'm embracing it instead of complaining because it is a constant reminder that baby is growing. Leslie Jordan took some amazing pregnancy reveal picture for us and we have had a BLAST telling our loved ones about our big news! We are ecstatic to say the least. We have been stocking up on baby stuff for a little while but now Joe is having to rein me in on the big spending because seriously, I could have had shopping for this sweet baby DONE by now :P 

As you can imagine, along with the excitement has come some nervousness. We are definitely not focusing on it, but after the miscarriage in May, I think it is to be expected that we would be a little nervous. I know that there are risks thru all of pregnancy, but I think that after our 6 week mark when it happened last time, we will feel much better. Still, though, prayers would be greatly appreciated for the growth and development of our baby and also with mommy and daddy as we trust God to take care of everything. We love this baby so, so much already. We would be incredibly blessed to be able to hold him/her in 8 months but no matter what, we know Jesus has this taken care of.

So here we go with this question thing again :) I warn you now...the next 35 weeks are going to be LONG ones if you don't like reading about pregnancy shtuff because I'm going to be posting about it a lot :) 

How far along: 4 weeks 4 days

Total weight gain: No weight gain yet. I'm about 8 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant in April which kinda stinks but my number one priority is being healthy for baby :)

Maternity clothes: None yet. I probably wont need them for a while.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new :P Using shea butter to hopefully keep it from getting TOO out of control but I welcome any and every mark on my body creating a life brings.

Symptoms: Boobs hurt. Bad. And some food aversion.

Food Cravings: None yet! Trying to eat as healthy as possible

Anything making you queasy or sick? A teeny bit queasy but nothing crazy

Sleep: Sleep is okay. 

Best moment this week: Obviously, finding out I'm pregnant and telling our friends and family.

Miss anything? Really not doing anything differently. I have to say I will actually really miss cleaning the litter box!

Movement: We have QUITE some time before that comes around

Wedding Rings on or off? On. Actually, I can fit it on all my fingers...including my thumb :P

Mood: I started this post last night and my response to the "Mood" question would have been GREAT. Today? Today I'm feeling quite crabby because of the nausea and withdrawal from my meds.

Looking forward to most: I am definitely most looking forward to my doctor's appointment in a couple weeks. 

My God, My Faith, My Posts, and My Priorities

If you are reading this, either I have really ticked you off or you enjoy what I have to say about things. I've been finding that as of lately, there isn't much in between. Either way, thank you for tuning in to the crazy thoughts of Katie :) As usual, this will probably be all over the place but bear with me.

I've become a new person. They say that after something big happens in your life, there is the "You before that" and the "You after that". I didn't really understand what that meant until recently and since discovering who I am, I have to say that I like who I am.

My big thing that happened in my life was the miscarriage. Life just seemed to shatter at my feet and I didn't know what the right or wrong thing was to do. One thing I knew for sure was that I did NOT want to get stuck in a rut and I desperately searched for a way to NOT get stuck. Being completely transparent, for a split second I thought of ending my life. When I moved past that selfishness, I thought of returning to my old ways of cutting myself in hopes to lessen the emotional pain. When I remembered how silly that was, I thought maybe I could drown myself in a bottle of vodka. Or two. But then I would break our 8 month dry streak and it didn't seem worth it. Burying myself in my couch and shutting the world out seemed like the most reasonable thing to do. Even still, though, I couldn't bring myself to do it. 

So what did I do? 

Well first of all, I didn't shut down. I was open with my pain, and some would say too open. To you who say I was too open, my heart hurts for you as I imagine the struggle of feeling like you must keep your feelings and emotions to yourself or that there is a right or wrong way to struggle. One of the most beneficial and healing things over my mourning period WAS my transparency and sharing my heart. I do not regret a word of it.

Second, I clung to my husband and he clung to me. We used this loss to strengthen and grow our marriage in such a way that a year ago, I never would have believed that we would be where we are today. As awful as our loss was, I will forever be thankful for the roots that Joe and I have planted over the last few months. Joe is my best friend and apart from Jesus, he is my happiness. God truly gave me him for the ups and downs of life and for when I am feeling like I will never amount to anything. He is my motivation and my encouragement and I am so, so thankful for him.

Third, and the point of this blog post, I renewed my relationship with my Creator. 

Have any of you ever experienced the "conference high" as I've heard it called? Ya know, that high feeling you get after a kick-butt youth conference or Winter Jam or something along those lines? The one that makes you feel like all you want to do is memorize the Bible and tell EVERYONE and their cousins about Jesus' love? Yeah. Imagine that but every day for months. Usually those highs end after a couple days or maybe a couple weeks. Nuh uh. Talk about one of my bipolar highs. But I know it is much more than that. 

I would say that I have fallen in love with my Creator all over again, but I don't think I have ever felt this strongly about my faith and my God. He has spoken to me in ways I only ever heard other people talk about. I absolutely love it. I literally CRAVE my Bible time and think about it and Him almost constantly. The Bible is SUCH a BIG book and I am dying to know everything He put in there for me! 

Right after the miscarriage, I went off on a pro-life tangent. I was angry and bitter. Why did I have to lose my baby but all these women just discard theirs like an unwanted sweater? Too much emotion was put into my early posts and I know that and I acknowledged that. However, God spoke to me through my pain and through my loss. He wants me to be a voice for the unborn. Even more than that, He wants me REALLY be pro-life and not just "pro-birth" like a lot of "pro-lifers" are. I've really been praying about how and where He can best use me, and there are some leads that I am very excited about and will share at a later date.

More than a couple times in the last several weeks, my character and really just who I am as a person has been torn a part, beaten into the ground, and spat upon. I understand, when people post about controversial things, be prepared for some unhappy readers. Every single time, I have been discouraged and really second guessed myself. BUT LET ME TELL YA! God ain't got time for that. Every time that an instance like that has occurred, Jesus has worked through people who I never would have expected, to encourage me and help me back on my feet. Every. Single. Time. Guys, I kid you not. I am amazed at what God has done to encourage His daughter. Plus, I feel encouraged really just at thought that Satan is so threatened by my "new life" that he will do every thing he can to stop me.

With that being said, I will continue to post my pro-life, anti-porn, pro-God posts with a little bit of anti-feminism and pro-gun posts sprinkled in here and there.

With that also being said, I will pray about the way that I portray myself to others. When dealing with those controversial subjects, I will not be able to please everyone. I want to do it in a way that is right by God and I know that that isn't always accepted by human's standards. There are times I wish that God would have put it on my heart to stand for something not so controversial like animal abuse or something. But, alas, He has not and where He points me to, I will go.

Jesus has done a whole lot of putting things on my heart lately. Firstly, I have not been called to sit and do nothing because I am scared of offending people. Secondly, my priorities in my life are God; my husband; and my family. Everything else falls after and if that isn't okay, then, well, to quote my least favorite hashtag...#sorrynotsorry. I am not here to be a people pleaser and I will not compromise my priorities for anyone or anything. Thirdly, the only ones who I need to validate my life and my life choices are my God; my husband; and my family. All else does not matter. Really, even my family kinda lost that technical right when I got married but I really value my parent's opinions so they get to stay in the club ;)  If I am living my life in such a way that is glorifying to God, nobody else's opinion of me matters. 

My life re-started when we lost our baby. But I have to say that I am in love with this life and the one who gave it to me. I am incredibly thankful for the wake up call I had been praying for for quite some time. Christ is the reason why my unworthy self will inherit His Kingdom, so Christ will be the reason I live. 

Update

It has been a couple weeks since I've posted. I said that I would be open and share, so I guess I will update everyone now :)

It's been a little rough. My depression has kinda sky rocketed so my psychiatrist upped my meds at least for the time being. I'm hoping that helps...because I'm ready to get out of this funk. I'm doing everything in my power to not let myself sink into too deep of a pit-meaning I'm trying to stay busy and make myself be around people. However, sometimes when I'm around people, I'm kinda irritable and don't talk a whole lot. I think it's better to be around people though even if I'm not talking much than letting myself sit at home and sulk on the couch.

Joe has been unbelievable...I seriously don't know what I would do without him. I think he doesn't know what to do all the time when I'm being a hot mess, so he does what he can. I feel bad for him :/ The best thing he does is just hold me when I'm not okay, and that right there is perfect.

I'm on day 4 of no bleeding...so I'm hoping that means it's over. About a week and a half ago it stopped for 3 days and came back and that SUCKED. SO, here's hoping it is gone for good. We are both super ready to try again and start a family. Even as sucky as this has been, it's been so nice to have Joe be so on board with getting pregnant. The first time, he wanted to, but wasn't as enthusiastic (I don't think most men are lol). But he is very ready to try again and I love it.

Really hoping that it happens sooner than later. I need to stop getting on my online miscarriage support boards...as seeing the horror stories of how people can't get pregnant after a miscarriage really freaks me out. Really, though, we are both trying to trust God with this. We know He is going to give us a child in His time.

As if EVERYTHING Else Isn't Enough

This post is probably going to have WAY too much information. But I'm pissed. I am pissed that after having to go through this hell of an emotional roller coaster, 2 and a half weeks later I am STILL bleeding. As if losing my baby wasn't enough...As if the nightly dreams of babies and pregnancy and miscarriages aren't enough...As if breaking down in tears every time I see a pregnant lady or a newborn in person or online isn't enough...I STILL DREAD GOING TO THE BATHROOM BECAUSE I KNOW THAT MY BODY IS STILL FREAKING RIDDING ITSELF OF WHATEVER THE HECK IT THINKS IT NEEDS TO RID!!! I thought I was FINALLY done with it. After almost 24 hours of no bleeding, I thought it was over. Being completely honest, more than a few not kind words were shouted at God this last bathroom trip when I discovered the bleeding came back with a vengeance. Urrrgghhh. I'm just ready to start over. Ready to try again. And I can't do that as long as this is happening! I feel like women get the short end of the stick with an awful lot of stuff from periods to labor and all that. Why can't I just have this be over? Why do we have to go thru this? I promise to never complain about a period or aches and pains of future pregnancies...I just want this constant reminder to go away. Oh, and these hormones that make me feel like a psycho could chill out too.

Absolutely nothing insightful or positive in this post. Just venting. I'm feeling very broken and angry today instead of broken and grieving. I feel like people are probably sick of seeing me whine about this....but oh well. I'm sick of going thru this and yet I have to deal with it.

Feeling Like a Mother

I feel like a mom. That sounds so weird. I just do though. I feel like there should be a little baby in my arms or sleeping in the next room. But there isn't. And my heart just feels a little empty. Maybe it's not so much that my heart feels empty as much as my arms do. I think I AM a mother because I DID hold a baby in me and I will ALWAYS hold that baby in my heart.

I am really trying not to be impatient. Really trying to trust God. I have so much faith that He is going to fill my empty arms with a baby...but my impatient self wants that NOW.

All I ever wanted was to be pregnant and have a baby and be a mommy. Now a days, I would like to skip the pregnant part and just have that baby to hold. I'm scared to death of another loss...especially 2 or more losses in a row.

Just being real with you all. Had some dreams last night that I think really upset me (I can't even remember them...I just know they were sad and about babies) so I am sure that is why I'm kind of in a funk today. I know Jesus is faithful and I know He is holding Joe and I close. I think Satan is trying to do everything he can to shake me and make me doubt God.

I feel like the above was a huge cluster...but still, a cluster of my thoughts :)