I feel Jesus all around me-every day. I know He is there.
I felt my babies. I knew they were there,
Maybe I didn't physically feel their kicks or physically have them in my arms, but I felt them. In my heart, in every moment I thought I was going to lose my stomach in the trash can. With every inch of my body I felt them.
For the most part, people speak of miscarriages like they would if you had an illness. At best, a dream you didn't achieve. I totally get it, guys, so please spare me the speech. People don't understand unless they themselves have been thru it. But what I wish people really got, is that an early pregnancy loss is just the same as any other loss.
No, there is no physical body to bury. But could you not see that in a way, that could be worse?
My love for my babies began growing long before my positive pregnancy tests. If you had asked 10 year old Katie or 16 year old Katie what she wanted to be when she grew up, the answer would have been the same. A mom. My heart aches for all the other women out there with the same stories. A mother's heart begins before you know there is a baby there.
And then it is there. And then...it's not. Your dream is, quite literally, flushed down the toilet. You feel like a huge chunk of your heart goes with it. Before my little angels, I didn't know that type of love existed. I could feel it from the top of my head all the way down to my toes. It was overwhelming but I embraced every second of it. This was what I was made for. I was made to be a mommy to these babies.
The pain of knowing I will never be able to hold my baby here on this earth is by far the worst pain I have ever felt. The physical pain of my babies literally being ripped from me made it even worse. And having to say goodbye before you really get to say hello is heart wrenching.
Sometimes I wish there was a body to bury because my babies deserved a better burial than being flushed down a toilet. These precious, precious little lives deserved more than to be washed away with the rest of every day waste.
My first miscarriage, I received one sweet card from people I didn't even know that well. There are simply no words to describe how much that meant to me. Even tho dozens of people texted or messaged me to tell me they were sorry, this simple act of kindness meant more to me than I can explain. It takes 1 minute to type up a quick "sorry" message, but the fact that these people took time out of their day to hand write a card and with notes of encouragement and send it to me was different. Please know, I am in no way trying to get sympathy or pitty and I'm incredibly thankful for all the support I have gotten. I just want people to get it.
Why is it that we jump on the meal trains or send cards or flowers for people who have surgeries or other more "real" losses but not for women who's babies were born into heaven?
Are our babies not real losses? What constitutes a real loss? What constitutes a real life lost?
When I found out about our second pregnancy, one person I excitedly told responded with "Well, I hope you learned your lesson the first time and that you keep your big mouth shut this time and don't tell so many people just in case."
Well let me tell you, ma'am. These babies' lives-no matter how long or short-are worth celebrating and being excited about.
And they are also worth more than the "hush hush" awkward responses when their lives end.
I was really touched by the new OB I made an appointment with only hours before I started miscarrying our second baby. He hugged me and said "I am so, so sorry for your loss" to which I responded with "It is what it is...". He shook his head and said "No. No. This sucks. You don't have to be tough. This is a real loss and people don't get it but they should."
So many people mean well and I know that. But is "Oh no, I'm so sorry. My friend had a miscarriage but she was 16 weeks" supposed to make us moms of early pregnancy loss feel better because thank goodness we aren't THAT far along? Is our loss any less?
Why is it that people who have experienced HUGE losses in their lives have been some of the people who have validated and encouraged me the most? I have a couple dear friends who have lost HUSBANDS that have given me the most support. I start to feel like a fool for being so heartbroken and for hurting so bad when there are people out there who have had REAL losses. I start to fall into the world's view of early pregnancy loss. But these women have been the first to tell me that my losses are real and big.
A thousand times we have imagined what our babies would look like. A thousand times we have thought about our first moments with these babies. A thousand times we have imagined their first steps, their first "I love you, mommy", their smile. A thousand times I have closed my eyes and held my miscarriage teddy-bear close to my heart and imagined that it was our baby.
I may be more vocal about it, but I know it in my heart that other mothers and fathers of angels feel the exact same way.
If nothing else positive comes out of all of this, I am incredibly thankful that I will be able to relate to other women going thru the same thing. I know that their loss is just that-a loss and a HUGE one at that.
I will end with this: You may not get it-and that's okay. You don't have to. Be glad that you do not know the pain of losing a child in the womb. But you don't have to get it to treat this loss as a REAL, TRUE, PAINFUL loss.
