My God, My Faith, My Posts, and My Priorities

If you are reading this, either I have really ticked you off or you enjoy what I have to say about things. I've been finding that as of lately, there isn't much in between. Either way, thank you for tuning in to the crazy thoughts of Katie :) As usual, this will probably be all over the place but bear with me.

I've become a new person. They say that after something big happens in your life, there is the "You before that" and the "You after that". I didn't really understand what that meant until recently and since discovering who I am, I have to say that I like who I am.

My big thing that happened in my life was the miscarriage. Life just seemed to shatter at my feet and I didn't know what the right or wrong thing was to do. One thing I knew for sure was that I did NOT want to get stuck in a rut and I desperately searched for a way to NOT get stuck. Being completely transparent, for a split second I thought of ending my life. When I moved past that selfishness, I thought of returning to my old ways of cutting myself in hopes to lessen the emotional pain. When I remembered how silly that was, I thought maybe I could drown myself in a bottle of vodka. Or two. But then I would break our 8 month dry streak and it didn't seem worth it. Burying myself in my couch and shutting the world out seemed like the most reasonable thing to do. Even still, though, I couldn't bring myself to do it. 

So what did I do? 

Well first of all, I didn't shut down. I was open with my pain, and some would say too open. To you who say I was too open, my heart hurts for you as I imagine the struggle of feeling like you must keep your feelings and emotions to yourself or that there is a right or wrong way to struggle. One of the most beneficial and healing things over my mourning period WAS my transparency and sharing my heart. I do not regret a word of it.

Second, I clung to my husband and he clung to me. We used this loss to strengthen and grow our marriage in such a way that a year ago, I never would have believed that we would be where we are today. As awful as our loss was, I will forever be thankful for the roots that Joe and I have planted over the last few months. Joe is my best friend and apart from Jesus, he is my happiness. God truly gave me him for the ups and downs of life and for when I am feeling like I will never amount to anything. He is my motivation and my encouragement and I am so, so thankful for him.

Third, and the point of this blog post, I renewed my relationship with my Creator. 

Have any of you ever experienced the "conference high" as I've heard it called? Ya know, that high feeling you get after a kick-butt youth conference or Winter Jam or something along those lines? The one that makes you feel like all you want to do is memorize the Bible and tell EVERYONE and their cousins about Jesus' love? Yeah. Imagine that but every day for months. Usually those highs end after a couple days or maybe a couple weeks. Nuh uh. Talk about one of my bipolar highs. But I know it is much more than that. 

I would say that I have fallen in love with my Creator all over again, but I don't think I have ever felt this strongly about my faith and my God. He has spoken to me in ways I only ever heard other people talk about. I absolutely love it. I literally CRAVE my Bible time and think about it and Him almost constantly. The Bible is SUCH a BIG book and I am dying to know everything He put in there for me! 

Right after the miscarriage, I went off on a pro-life tangent. I was angry and bitter. Why did I have to lose my baby but all these women just discard theirs like an unwanted sweater? Too much emotion was put into my early posts and I know that and I acknowledged that. However, God spoke to me through my pain and through my loss. He wants me to be a voice for the unborn. Even more than that, He wants me REALLY be pro-life and not just "pro-birth" like a lot of "pro-lifers" are. I've really been praying about how and where He can best use me, and there are some leads that I am very excited about and will share at a later date.

More than a couple times in the last several weeks, my character and really just who I am as a person has been torn a part, beaten into the ground, and spat upon. I understand, when people post about controversial things, be prepared for some unhappy readers. Every single time, I have been discouraged and really second guessed myself. BUT LET ME TELL YA! God ain't got time for that. Every time that an instance like that has occurred, Jesus has worked through people who I never would have expected, to encourage me and help me back on my feet. Every. Single. Time. Guys, I kid you not. I am amazed at what God has done to encourage His daughter. Plus, I feel encouraged really just at thought that Satan is so threatened by my "new life" that he will do every thing he can to stop me.

With that being said, I will continue to post my pro-life, anti-porn, pro-God posts with a little bit of anti-feminism and pro-gun posts sprinkled in here and there.

With that also being said, I will pray about the way that I portray myself to others. When dealing with those controversial subjects, I will not be able to please everyone. I want to do it in a way that is right by God and I know that that isn't always accepted by human's standards. There are times I wish that God would have put it on my heart to stand for something not so controversial like animal abuse or something. But, alas, He has not and where He points me to, I will go.

Jesus has done a whole lot of putting things on my heart lately. Firstly, I have not been called to sit and do nothing because I am scared of offending people. Secondly, my priorities in my life are God; my husband; and my family. Everything else falls after and if that isn't okay, then, well, to quote my least favorite hashtag...#sorrynotsorry. I am not here to be a people pleaser and I will not compromise my priorities for anyone or anything. Thirdly, the only ones who I need to validate my life and my life choices are my God; my husband; and my family. All else does not matter. Really, even my family kinda lost that technical right when I got married but I really value my parent's opinions so they get to stay in the club ;)  If I am living my life in such a way that is glorifying to God, nobody else's opinion of me matters. 

My life re-started when we lost our baby. But I have to say that I am in love with this life and the one who gave it to me. I am incredibly thankful for the wake up call I had been praying for for quite some time. Christ is the reason why my unworthy self will inherit His Kingdom, so Christ will be the reason I live.